Dear Matt,

I must apologize for taking so long to pen you a mail. How are you doing? You seem really busy with work. I’m sure you’re also in the midst of packing and getting sorted on your move to Brazil for a couple of months. Is your girlfriend going with you? How does she feel about it? Why the sudden urge to go to Brazil ? I don’t think you elaborated on the nature of your trip.

As for me, it’s been close to two weeks since I came home. The first thing that was jarringly obvious is the humidity and pollution. My nose started running the minute I arrive at the luggage collection lounge. I had 45 kg worth of stuff, things which I accumulated over the past 6 months while I was on the ship. Other than a handful of clothings, I didn’t own anything else but a lot of books. I’ve given away half of my books, yet there’s probably 20(or more!) of them which I couldn’t bear part with. A good girlfriend of mine, Jowynne (you’ve probably met her the last time!) came and picked me up from the airport. Her company was much needed because during my time on the road, I wasn’t able to connect to many girls. There are one or two that I met in Vietnam but that was all. On the ship, many girls had rather conventional mentality, thus erecting a wall that kept me separate. We caught up on stuff and then she took me home.

When I stepped into my room, a kaleidoscope of memories hit me hard. It was overwhelming as I saw pieces of my old self in my wardrobe-things I use to wear-on the pictures that grace the sides of my mirror, my cartoon illustrated bedsheet, a picture of my ex-boyfriend on a picture frame, stuff toys, handbags, shoes and piles of books. I had to take some time to reflect on who I was before and who I am now. And that theme of reflection haunted me for the next two weeks…and until now, I wasn’t quite sure who I’ve become. There’s a struggle for identity and for unity between the two. Previously, I was merely an aspiring traveller and now, I’m a full-fledged vagabond…or have I? Why do I suddenly crave for stability and a consistent base? Am I not a full-time traveler now? I also realized how isolated I’ve been from my good friends. My loneliness stemmed from the fact that I live so far away and everyone have their own lives to go on with…and whenever I come back, my path doesn’t seem to cross theirs. There were momentary moments of sadness and anguish-knowing how much I’ve given up for traveling.

Then, the next few days crawled by. As I met up with friends and started relaying to them my tales of adventure, I then understood how much I’ve been through and how enviable my life must have sounded-even though I don’t feel it should be so. But I rambled and rambled, with my friends as a captive audience. My desperation and loneliness on the ship has made me want to keep talking because only through talking, I could release all the pent-up frustrations. Only through speaking and reliving those times that I could see the bigger picture and understood my experiences more. I found out that I did like working on the ship but have despised the loneliness there. Living on the ship has been nothing but luxurious if I could have coped up with the claustrophobia.

And then, missing Giorgio was painful. I was terribly insecure, with all those stories that happen on the ship, that ship romances never last. Even though I know Giorgio isn’t like that, but when someone isn’t by your side, you create the worst possible scenarios in your head. Other than that, I also missed his presence, his ability to make me laugh, his incredibly handsome features and his affections. When I was with him, nothing else matters. I didn’t cared if the relationship was going to go somewhere, I didn’t cared if we may never see each other again. We were together for two months and it was intense. We had a lot of language barrier but it was more fun than challenging. However, when I’m back here, I keep thinking about the relationship, idealizing it, and wondering how to make it feasible for the both of us. I almost went crazy missing him. We smsed each other daily but it wasn’t enough. I took a 5 hour bus to Singapore the week after just to be with him for 4 hours. It was merely 4 hours, and it wasn’t enough but it was worth it.

I left him with the notion that I won’t see him for a month but co-incidentally, the person who replaced me on the ship got into an accident. It was really unfortunate and I feel really bad about it because he’s really a nice guy. But my boss emailed me and wondered if I can replace William for a month. The timing was perfect as a few days ago, I was just whining to my fellow colleague that I only need one more month onboard and it’ll be perfect. Extra money and I’ll be with Giorgio till he disembarks. And then the accident happened….which is really crazy, considering the circumstances. My boss hasn’t confirmed with me about the job but meantime, I’ve to stay put for the next few days until my UK visa is approved and have my passport handed back to me.

And now, I’m in a waiting period which I seriously detest. You’re hanging on a limbo and you can’t do a thing. I’m now busy with a data-entry job which I’m working from home. It helps me focus but every now and then, my mind drifts off to the ship, to another adventure and to Giorgio.

Traveling is intense, every new day is a day of possibility and things happen. But somehow these ‘possibilities’ become dim and they flicker away when you’re at home. At home, days feels like weeks and weeks feel like years.

Once my passport is returned to me, I’ll be able to reconfirm with my boss whether I can embark on the ship again for another month. If not, then I’ll go straight to UK and then go to Italy when Giorgio returns. And then back again to UK after that….my immediate plans are to get a CELTA certification, to learn Italian, to visit Giorgio and to visit Teun & Stef in Amsterdam. You know, funnily, I find people like you, Ed, Stef, Teun, Nithin and some other travelers I’ve met on the road closer than my friends at home. Despite the distance, there’s always this closeness in connection. I’m really sorry that I haven’t been writing but there’s not much muse recently.

I am still open and positive but now equanimity and mindfulness elude me. I’ve succumbed to a lesser consciousness: feelings of wanting, craving and desiring consume me easily. I’m more impatient, more critical and more judgmental. I think it’s the ship’s effect. I am also a little more cynical about things. I don’t like this new self and I find myself unhappy most of the time. Giorgio is a quick soothing balm to inner conflict and good relationships help calm me down but without them, there’s the urge to lash out. I can become depressed easily these days as well. I don’t rebound like rubber ball anymore. Matt, if you have any tips, do share because I think I need help!!

So that’s all about me-what about you??!?!?!?! It’s really too long since we last talked and I really want to know everything’s that has been going on.

Take good care of yourself and lots of metta from the little Ying of Malaysia.

And even though I don’t write much, it doesn’t mean I don’t think of you.

I hope to see you soon too.

Much love

Ying