I smsed TCL today as I was quite lonely. Giorgio’s been spending a lot of time with his dad, and half the time I see him, he’s with his dad, thus leaving us no time to catch up or for me to voice out my insecurities.

Everyone has been friendly so far and some to the point of joyous when they saw me return. Some patted my back, some shook my hands, some kissed and hugged me and some pinched my cheeks affectionately. From the very warm welcome that I’d received, I should be feeling really good to be back but I’m not. Far from it. I craved for Giorgio’s attention but am not receiving any. It doesn’t help that his work and his dad is taking up all his time. Don’t get me wrong, I love his dad being onboard. His dad has been nothing but supportive and nice. He told me that he framed up a picture of us that Giorgio sent home. It’s in the kitchen. “Ciao ragazzi!” he’d say, to the picture of ours. I’m not even jealous of the attention his dad is receiving. I’m only bugged that he’s not trying hard enough. And that he doesn’t seem affected by not seeing me that often either. I just feel like an utmost rejection, a tag-along, an unwanted.

So, pathetically, when things get me down, I usually blame myself, attempt to wallow in self-pity to make myself feel better and occasionally making up excuses, trying to justify the entire situation. My mood is like a thread in the wind, moving in accordance to how I was treated. And for two hours, I had to choke back tears and watch Prison Break Season 3 to distract myself. When I was finally tired of it all, I looked myself hard in the mirror and wonder where all my courage, faith and patience has gone to. I don’t look like myself; I look like an insecure wreck.

After a while, I also realized that part of this entire thing stem from not having any close friends onboard. Nikki’s gone, Nic’s gone, Sylvia’s gone. Val’s busy all the time and Gianni’s been a little distant. Filippo is back in Norway and I’m just stuck onboard with acquaintances that I get along with but not necessarily people I’d call friends. There’s no one I can talk to, nothing I can do and basically, I’m bored. Impatient. Unloved. Lonely.

My work computer’s locked and so I’m still unable to do much work until the Radio Officer gives me the new password.

I just hope there’s a way out of it all. And perhaps, the only solution to it all is a change of perspective.