This too, will pass.
Finally, after a month long of being stuck in a situation that I lack courage to change, nature took its course, and removed the thorn that had pierced me. Of course, if I were stronger and more mindful about my situation, I could have easily removed the thorn myself. After all, life situations only become problems when your mind makes it so. Your ego personalizes it and your sense of self is reinforced through the pain and misery of it.
“There is no salvation in time. You cannot be free in the future. Presence is the key to freedom, so you can only be free now.”
I can’t believe I’ve waited this long for the thorn to be removed. I’ve had good advice from those who cared, that I should take the responsibility to make myself happy but instead, I rather suffer in grief, unease and anxiety.
Anyway, the past is the past. The past can no longer hurt me, unless I let it. I am now feeling much better. In fact, I perennially feel a sense of calm and presence. There are of course some events and people that ruffle me but I let it go. I try not to hold on to it.
***
I finally dared to sign up for the excursions offered on my ship. I don’t know why I never wanted to do it, since it’s free for crew. Besides, I’ve always been complaining about having too much free time. So on one random day, I decided to sign up for it and one of them took place today. It was a hiking cum swimming excursion in Nosy Sakatia, Madagascar.
At this point of writing, I’m still reeling from the excitement and admiration at one of nature’s finest landscapes….but a month ago, I took it for granted that Madagascar was like every other country. This must be the disease that plagues everyone working onboard. We assume that since we’ve managed to get ourselves to these countries for free, we don’t have to get all excited about the places we go to. We complain about the lack of internet access and the lack of convenience, the heat and the humidity, the poverty and the aggressiveness of the citizens and a whole lot more. Yet when I was on the excursion on my own (with other passengers), it felt so different.
For the first time I felt, HELL, I’M IN MADAGASCAR! The sparkling green waters are just as magical as the ones in Seychelles. The villages, sparse, small yet incomparably lovely, reminded me of the shacks in Myanmar. People don’t have much yet they find somehow find a way to live their lives in dignity. The Malagasy tour guide, Herve, was merely a young chap who’s still doing his third year in university. He’s paid 15 Euros for every excursion that he goes on. He spoke English with a heavy Creole accent but his intensity, patience and humourous way of delivering information won us over. We spoke a bit while we were relaxing on the beach.
He thought highly about my job and said wistfully that he too wished that he could travel like I do. It’s his dream to go to a university in Europe and then continue to work there. He frowned a little when he heard that I’ve been away from Malaysia for quite sometime.
“Don’t you miss home? Don’t you want to see your family?” he asked.
Such questions are far too common and people are usually puzzled when I just shrug in response. How am I supposed to answer such a question? How can I tell them that I feel ambivalent? Home, my heart would scoff, where is it, anyway? My family is not my anchor, like everybody else. I’m not sure if its due to my mom’s demise or that my dad remarried but since 18, I no longer felt that I could rely on the family entity. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve nothing but respect and love for them yet I feel no sense of attachment. I don’t know if this is normal but I don’t feel like I’ve to live with them in order to prove that I’m a filial daughter. I know that they can take care of themselves perfectly and vice-versa. My dad, like every other dad, is probably worrying sick about me traversing the world yet he has a life that he gets on with…and probably understands by now that I do too.
***
Latest Report: The ship was unable to dock at Tamatave, Madagascar due to the rising rebellion that’s going on in the capital city. Instead, we’ll have an additional day in Mauritius. I guess our itinerary has brought us endless intrigue and excitement-from pirates to political rebellion, I wonder what’s next.
