Apologies

It has been a while since I’ve last updated my blog. It’s certainly not an easy task when the wireless internet onboard doesn’t come cheap. It’s 24 Euros for 3 hours or 0.25 Euros per minute. If you do the math, most of the crew members usually spend up to 150-200 Euros a month on the wi-fi, usually for short emails and the occasional Facebook updates. Thankfully for my position, I have an allowance of 200 Euros a month on internet but still, it just means 24 hours of free internet. That’s not much is it. I could easily use 24 hours of internet within 2 days.

The first few months

I must admit that the first few months on this ship has been full of strife and struggle. I was angry at myself for agreeing to another contract on the ship even though I know perfectly that my relationship with Nick will suffer in the process. Not just that, I also knew that I’m now beyond the drinking parties, the transient friendships and the see-as-many-places-as-you-can mentality. In short, I had absolutely no reason to come back to the ship if not for my financial situation. After the Balkans escapade, I was left with utterly nothing so it was difficult to say no to a new contract and a pay raise. Like an addict, I said to myself, “Just one last time and then, basta!”

Doing the job well was not difficult at all. In fact, I was often bored with the whole process. There were many tedious moments where I was holed up in the office, doing paperwork than teaching. Having said that, it’s a position that garnered many privileges that many other crew members would die for like drinks and internet allowance, my own office and a rather flexible schedule.

But it no longer was the dream job anymore. I was tired of seeing so many cities and countries within such a short period of time and despite the excellent paycheck, there was really nothing to look forward to. The job didn’t require any of my creative or intellectual skills at all. For a while, my mind was a block of ice, waiting to be thawed.

I also work alone and other than my students, I hardly had the chance to mingle. As I don’t belong to any specific department onboard, I had no fellow colleagues to jibe with or sit next to during meal times. My position was higher than most staff and crew members but lower than an Officer’s. In short, people either view me suspiciously, fearfully or just with disinterest.

As I’m a very people oriented person, such circumstances made me feel very detached from the world and myself. My emotions swung like a pendulum, depending on the situation. There were times where loneliness hit me like a brick and hopelessness hovered heavily above. There were brief rays of sunlight too but very rarely. Nick and I broke up after a long series of failed communication and widening distance. There was a gulf between our physical locations and our hearts.

The last few months

I was just spiraling downwards so quickly that I didn’t know I hit rock bottom. Once at the bottom, I realized how much I’ve suffered because I’ve put so much on the external, on my life situation. I’ve forgotten that to be in control of my life is to be in control of my being, of the divine within. So I stopped looking out and started looking in. As the ship docked in Fort Lauderdale, USA, every Sunday, I purchased books over Amazon.com to keep my loneliness at bay. I refused to waste my time, feeling sorry for myself just because life didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to.  

I regained my passion for writing after excavating some old but lovely memories of my writing adventures when I was little. I had always been a writer since I had more books than toys those days. I’ve written and illustrated volumes of short stories and plays and had my childish poetry and articles published in the local newspaper. I even won some slogan writing competitions because I thought that would impress the socks off my parents. But this love for writing became conditional as I grew up. Stories don’t sell, my dad would say, and hence, why waste time writing them? Go be a journalist or something. Do something more practical. With that sort of advice, I became a cowardly writer but with perfectionism as an excuse. I wouldn’t allow myself to write badly. I wouldn’t write anything that doesn’t sell. I wouldn’t write if I haven’t got a muse to sprinkle the magic dust over me. In short, I stopped writing and went on to do other more important things in life.

Now with time in my hands and to have nothing else to live for, I dove back into writing. I started a writing journal, pushed myself to enter a short story competition, read a lot, looked into grad schools for MFA, bought myself a creative writing textbook and start the whole damn process again: to learn how to write.

I also enjoyed drawing comics for friends (I eventually met a number of people that I grew close to) and making them laugh with the posters and photo montages. To my surprise, I’m actually quite good at it! I’m not going to make a living out of sketching but being able to create something just stimulates the artist in me again.

Meditation also helps alleviate the despair and negative energy. I was so resistant towards life. I was fighting against it, condemning myself for the wrong choices that I’ve made and indulged in misery. You wouldn’t believe it if I tell you that choosing to suffer was a choice and I don’t know why I do it. It could be because I thought, by suffering, I’m able to brace myself for more unwanted life situations. It was easier to be unhappy than to be aware. And in an unhappy state, I attracted more unhappy people and unpleasant situations.

Then, I started it’s time to discipline my mind and balance my spirit again. Being unhappy no longer works. The dramas and conflicts created to strengthen my ego became boring. I was eager to get out of the rut. So I practiced Vipassana (mindfulness) and Metta (Loving-Kindness) meditation as often as I can. Using several guided audio meditation by the Insight Meditation Center (from the US), I meditated initially for 10 minutes and then 20..etc. It was blissful to just have a clear mind within that space of time. I could feel my own spirit again and its strength. Slowly but surely, but not always, my emotions improved and I became sunnier. And with clarity and focus, I could ask myself honest questions about what I want out of life. I also attracted some good friends who later helped made the last month of my contract a worthwhile memory.

So, with newly a clear mind and a loving heart, abundance in life was restored. It wasn’t rosy all the time but at least the setbacks were easier to bear. There were still periods of apathy, sloth, self-pity and uninspiring moments but now I learned to look within to cope with my life situation instead of the other way around.

What happens next

I’ll be leaving this ship for another ship on the 27^th of April. I’ll have to start packing soon but at least this time round, I’ll leave with somewhat a heavy but resolved heart. I’ve made some really good friends, seen some really fascinating places, done a number of crazy things and most importantly, learned all the lessons that I was meant to learn on this ship. Perhaps that’s why life has nudged me into taking this contract. It’s because I wasn’t done learning before. Now that I have, I’m ready for some other experiences that life has to offer.

Nikolas Beach, Rhodes Island-enjoying my last Greek Islands exeprience